I am a New Jersey-born gal who moved with her family to the rural, southeastern United States at the ripe old age of nine. Even though I still lived in the contiguous 48 states, life in 1970s Franklin County, Virginia — the “Moonshine Capital of the World” — felt like an international relocation because of the many glaring regional differences. From four-lane freeways to narrow country roads, food cooked in olive oil to nearly everything prepared with lard, the roaring rock of Bruce Springsteen to the honky-tonk tunes of Hank Williams, I had a lot to adapt to in my new southern landscape.
However, despite my youth (and Jersey pride), I quickly discovered the most notable difference. As a general rule, southern women had a leg up on their northern sisters in one unique way: they could say anything, even the darndest things, and make it sound like a Shakespearean soliloquy.
A southern belle, for example, could walk up to a fellow and, with a smile on her face, purr in the loveliest lilt: “Sugar, you are so fat. You are the fattest thang.” And because of the way she spoke, her words were received fondly. The fellow would fawn over her and thank her for taking the time to notice.
In contrast, if a New Jersey girl walked up to a boy and said, “Man, you are fat,” she could probably expect to receive a less-than-favorable retort — and perhaps one particular finger gesture — in response. I exaggerate, but not by much.
As a northern girl, I wondered why there was such a distinction. Part of it, no doubt, stemmed from the inherent charm of the southern drawl, which, like sweet, thick syrup in appropriate doses, made anything more palatable. But the genteel southern woman was also master of an even more powerful tool: when delivering her message, good or bad, she wrapped her words in a warm, positive intonation (genuine or not), making them far easier to receive.
“Sue Ellen, bless her heart, looked like one hot mess at church on Sunday. The Good Book does say the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away sometimes.”
Well, maybe not everything could be sugar-coated.
Still, the southern women I knew would certainly try to sweeten even the sourest sentiment. They understood that the way something was delivered often spoke louder than the words themselves. This is a simple concept to grasp but a far harder one to practice.
Today, unlike my nine-year-old self, I actually live in a foreign land. In fact, I’ve lived in three countries besides my own. Overall, the experience has been a fantastic adventure, but there are days when nothing feels easy. In the expat world, cultural and communication differences present unique challenges requiring patience and a flexible spirit. Oh yes, there are times I want to go full “Jersey Shore” on someone. In those moments, I try to remember the lessons of my youth and speak with as much charm as I can muster. This not only alleviates problems but also makes me feel better in the process.
I wouldn’t have thought it when I was young, but this Jersey gal now has moments when she would give anything for a flaky biscuit that only a nice heap of lard can create. To this day, I go weak at the knees when I hear a Hank Williams song on Singaporean radio. But no matter where I go — and regardless of how confusing or inconvenient my situation may be — I keep one Southern lesson close: an easy smile, a sense of humor, and a happy inflection can make all the difference when navigating, and negotiating, in another world.
